wedding

it's not about the dress. or the veil. or the flowers. or the food. but it has felt about those things. is my dress good enough? will I look good enough? will any of this be good enough?

but it's not about any of those things. it's about him. its about me and loren. committing to each other. loving one another. holding each other during the good and the bad. being there for one another and with each other no matter what. committing to each other. committing to grow together, to learn with and from one another. to be rooted so deeply with one another that challenges may rustle our branches but we are unshakable.  the wind may blow against us, only to make us stronger and more resilient. That is us. That is what this is about. Our wedding, is about us. and everything else that is there - the dress, the food, the music... even the people. that is all just a gift. I am blessed to have a family so supportive, emotionally and financially. I am so blessed to be given all of these gifts. it's all a gift. A gift to celebrate us.

May I remember to remember what this is all about.  When my mind focuses on a particular detail or worry,  May I remember to give gratitude. May I only focus on the real gift  -the man that I am choosing to marry.

The Gift

If the secrets to life and longevity were offered to you, would you accept the gift?

For most of my life I was seeking such a gift, a gift of health, love, and security. The gift of liberation. Liberation from fear, anxiety, depression, and disease.  All my life I wanted to open that present and carry it with me always.

But then something crazy happened. I found the gift. From the moment we encountered there was no doubt in my mind that the gift was real. And as I unwrapped and unveiled the secrets to life and longevity something horrible happened. I realized that I could not go on living my life the way I had been living. For my choices and preferences were the antithesis of the gift I was seeking.

So along with this gift came the greatest challenge of my life:  letting go of what once was so that my  life can unfold into health, longevity, and love. Things that I found comfort in, like my habits of consumption (food, television, alcohol/drugs) are the things that inhibit me from carrying this gift. But letting go of 20+ years of habit is not an instant task. It has been a struggle. Every day a struggle. No one outside of my self is telling me what I should do and what I shouldn't, it's all on me. It's all on me to remodel my life so that I can carry the gift that I so desperately desired.

It's been a year since I was first introduced to Ayurveda: the science of life and longevity. And for an entire year I have been torn between choosing life or choosing death. Choosing liberation or choosing bondage. Choosing between how I used to live and how I want to be.

Some people don't understand the journey that I have chosen, actually most people in my life don't understand. I am a strange bird in my family flock, and an even greater oddity in this society. It's hard. It's truly challenging. Is it worth it? Time will tell.

But when you are given such a precious gift, it seems only wise to care for it with tender love and kindness.

I'm Not a Genie

Growing up I had an affinity for genies.  I loved watching I dream of Genie and was fancied by the blue genie in Aladdin. I recently realized that for the majority of my life I was living like a genie.

Like a genie, my life was devoted to the people who came into my life. I would ask myself how I could best serve them. What I could do to make them happy.  I worked tirelessly to grant wishes, even if they didn't align with my own. I thought life revolved around pleasing the people around me. And as every genie knows, it is impossible to please everyone at once. I found myself in a balancing act between acting one way around some and another way around others. My true self was lost somewhere in the middle. It was exhausting. The funny part is that I actually thought that was how life was supposed to be. I actually thought that the solution to my own unhappiness was seeking to make others happy. I had glimpses of true freedom- the moments where I would say no and set boundaries, and the times where I would listen to my intuition rather than the whirls of opinion. But the sense of obligation I felt often overpowered that truth. I had a false sense of happiness, peace, and love. One where I was bound to others in such a way that I had lost my self.


I now know true freedom. One where I don't need people to tell me they love me to feel love. I don't need others to accept me to feel acceptance. I don't need anyone to physically comfort me to feel comforted. I don't need to depend on others to feel genuine happiness.  I am free. Limited only by the limitations I think to be true.

That little lamp, that old way of thinking and behaving, is too small for the abundance of love, serenity, and abundance that now fill my life. I am grateful to finally be free.

Life

Today is a significant day. Today is a day to celebrate life. To celebrate all the joy, serenity, and compassion that fills this world. Today is a day to appreciate all the feelings of sorrow and fear. The feelings that give us the opportunity to grow beyond what may be holding us back.


Today is another day to choose life.


Seven months ago Dad passed. My heart has felt empty, my body heavy, my mind flooded in chaos. Every day since has been a journey to repair myself, to fill the gaps and release the fears, to make myself feel whole. At the beginning of that journey I found that wine released my mind, and that marijuana relaxed my body. As time went on I realized that what I thought was helping me was actually taking away from my own life. I was seeking instant, outside relief that was doing more harm than good. Like remodeling an old home without tending to the weak foundation. It may look okay from the outside, but it is sure to collapse with time.


Yet I have found the strength and courage to face my fears. To actually look inside and work towards healing myself one day at a time. It has been challenging. But in life, overcoming a challenge is what brings the richest rewards. Through breathing exercises, meditation, yoga, and prayer I have began to and continue to heal. Every day is a new day to continue practicing my life. Every day is filled with moments where I choose life.

Today is a significant day. As is every day. Let us cherish what we have and gather the courage to work towards what we want.

May we all be blessed with life.

My Story

I had always been intrigued by the idea of past lives, karma, reincarnation, and energy. Then I happened to talk to one of my Papa's friends, the late Sid Levinsohn, who helped guide me onto a path of believing that anything is possible. He helped teach me that humans are great beings, capable of self-healing through their beliefs and thought. That the world is what we believe it to be.

I went to college wanting to study alternative medicine, yet I couldn't find an area of study that matched what I was seeking. My sophomore year I started to study pre-med, convinced that I could study to be a doctor and than practice alternative methods instead. That was a funny attempt that dropped my name off the honor roll. I wasn't committed to learning physics and chemistry in large lecture halls where I could hardly understand or see the professor. I chose to study Anthropology. Mostly because it offered  classes on a variety of topics. From biology to the social construction of the self, it seemed like it had it all. Plus, in most of my classes we sat in a circle. Still in the back of my mind I wanted to know more about alternative healing methods.

In my free time I volunteered. I volunteered with many public health organizations. I even had an epiphany! I didn't need to be a doctor, I could help heal people through preventative care. Help people before they ended up at the doctor's office. So I dressed up like a tooth fairy, wings and all,  and went to elementary schools to talk to little people about dental health. I dressed up in slacks and went to elderly homes and talked to wise people about arthritis. I dressed in sneakers and talked to confused college people about sexual health. I was convinced, information would save the world.

Then I took a course called Meat and Drink in America (thank you Dr. Don Stull). And after an independent research project on the kosher food industry, I started to question where my food was coming from. Then I watched Food Inc. That was that. I was destined to be a farmer. And I had an epiphany. I could save the world by growing beautiful, nutritious food.

So I worked on an urban farm in Berkeley and learned more in depth about our broken food system and the social consequences of the system. I went to Alaska and learned how to care for a farm. And then I went to Kauai, mostly because I wanted to extend my growing season.

Here I am in Kauai, working and living at a place that practices Ayurveda. I didn't know a thing about Ayurveda before coming here. Ayurveda literally translates to the knowledge, wisdom, and spiritual science of life and longevity.  Ayurveda is a holistic healthcare system, encompassing the mind, body, and spirit. It is an ancient tradition of healing. It is the alternative approach to medicine that I had been seeking. Now, as I am studying to become an Ayurvedic Counselor, I realized something.  I can't save the world.

I can't save the world. But I can help heal it. I can help heal the world by teaching others, growing nourishing food, and practicing Ayurveda. Most of all, I can help heal the world by believing that the world can be healed.

As someone very wise once said...

Heal yourself, heal the world. 

Thank you to everyone-- passed,  living, and beyond-- who helped guide me to where I am today.

Transition

My journey in Alaska has come to an end. As with everything, as one journey ends another adventure begins. Lucky for me I have found myself in paradise for the next few months, just a flight away from Kauai.

What better time to reflect than when sitting in an airport - the ultimate space of transition.

                      

April
I arrived in Alaska nearly 6 months ago along with 2 large duffel bags, a backpack, and a purse. I now head to Kauai carrying all my belongings on my back.

May
I came to Alaska with the support and love of all my family. I head along on my journey without one of my pillars, without my dad in my life. Oh how much that hurts me.

June
I went to Alaska with a dream that I may someday have a farm of my own. I leave with land waiting for me in Minnesota, and with the business license to Muddy Feet Farm.

Farm Logo. Designed and Drawn by Sonya Montenegro

July
I came to Alaska with habits of washing with shampoo. I now leave using baking soda and essential oils to wash.

August
I arrived in Alaska as a picky meat eater, only eating local grass fed or free range animals. After watching a chicken slaughter, I leave as a gametarian, choosing to eat only wild animals.

September
I arrived in Alaska without knowing anyone, and without much expectation. I leave having seen the northern lights dancing in the sky, absolutely amazing new friends, a tattoo, the support of a new family (the calypso fam), the confidence to farm on my own, a harmonica, cooking and crafting skills, the greatest experience of my life thus far, and so much more.

To Life and Not To Death

Dad,
Thank you for making me who I am. Adventurous, a great packer, loving, creative, a bit stubborn, honest, and grateful for all that I have- only to name a few.

It's painful to know that I can't share my adventures with you. I hate that you are gone. Yet through it all I know you are always with me and I will always live to make you proud.
PS- I packed so well, you'd hardly believe it!

My adventure to become a farmer continues... Version Kauai.0

BE true to yourself.
LOVE all life.
GROW the change you want to see.

Thinking

I was sitting in the lower field eating some lunch when I noticed a small black ant carrying something three times it's size. It wasn't surprising, I mean that's just what ants do. A fly landed on my skirt and instead of mindlessly swatting it away I took a moment to admire it's ginormous eyes. Not surprising, flies just have really big eyes. A spider crawled up my arm. I gently picked it up and set it on the ground beside me, letting it continue on with whatever it is that spiders do. From the porch behind me I could hear the buzzing of hundreds of bees gathering at their boxes. I wasn't surprised at how active they were. Gathering pollen on a warm sunny day is just what honeybees do.

Amidst all of the earth's little creatures I was sitting, a big human sitting and thinking. Thinking about how easily I could squish an ant, swat a fly, or kill a spider. So often that is just what humans do. Something has changed for me, though. I don't do any of those things.

We are all a part of a very big ecosystem. Each little insect has a role in this world, every microbe has a job.  Our jobs aren't as clear. We have the ability to think about what we want to do rather than just do. We create options and if we are lucky we find our paths, or the thing that we are meant to do. The thing that makes our hearts happy.  I am blessed to feel so connected to something. I feel so connected to this earth, and I see myself as a just a small piece in this very big ecosystem. I am not surprised by all the "simple" things that each insect does each day, but I am amazed. I think the novelty will always be there. As an organic farmer (in training), I see it as my job to respect all energy, microscopic and humongous. To try my best to understand the natural systems in this world and see how I can work with those systems and not against.

It's easy to bulldoze an acre, or hundreds, and make things grow. It's convenient to have acres and acres of one crop growing. It's easier to spray chemicals on your crop than to deter the pests organically. It's faster to harvest when things are uniform, and simple tasks make for cheap labor. Yet I am convinced that there is a better way. And I am not the only one that thinks so. Understand that when you buy a conventionally grown tomato from the grocery store you are saying yes to large scale, convenient agriculture. I think it is our job to think before doing. Ask questions. Support small-scale, local farmers. It's easy to get into a routine, to do without thinking why first.  Before you buy the brand name, or squash the spider that crawls on your arm, take a moment and ask why. Let's do what humans are meant to do... let's think before we just do.